The rock they broke themselves against

I just finished watching Legends of the Fall finally... I've been meaning to see it for months and ages and I finally saw it.

I almost wished I hadn't. I connected way too much with that movie and the protagonist Tristan. I feel kind of crushed by how the movie went.

Tristan reminds me of myself in some ways: independent, naturally reverts to going against authority and rules (both God's and man's sad to say), emotionally distant from even those he loved, a traveler and lover of the wild.

Now I'm not half as macho as he is... fighting bears, charging trench to trench in WWI, winning the hearts of any woman he's ever desired (though I haven't really tried that one honestly).

But there's something the old chief says about Tristan at the end of the movie in conclusion to all that occurs:

"I remember, when he was a boy, I thought Tristan would never live to be an old man. I was wrong about that... I was wrong about many things. It was those he loved that died young. He was the rock that they broke themselves against no matter how hard he tried to protect them."

I feel like that so much. I want to die... not because I'm depressed, emotional, or suicidal but I really want to experience the freedom that comes with death. We die and we are no longer beings of flesh bound by our own flaws but creatures of the spirit, perfect and whole in every way. It's so exciting to me. I still don't really want to live past 40. And I want to die actively... mauled by a wild animal or shot in a gunfight or pushing someone else out the way of a car. Dying of a wasting disease as an old and useless fart is the ultimate suck.

But so often I see instead those I love dying before me. and I see those who try to love me, hurt when they break across my heart of stone. I'm not an unfeeling wretch as I was, but I nonetheless find all my efforts to protect people from loving me and the pains I know it brings them... they are fruitless. I'm not malicious, I'm not unkind, I'm not menacing, and I'm not evil... I'm just reckless. Tack yourself to me and though I don't feel the animal's claw, the bullet, or the car... you will. That fancy with the grave that I relish will be a dark cloud over you the rest of your life. Leave me to my wanderings... and my ponderings... live in happiness.

Is death really so morbid (apart from the latin "Mortem" for death being the derivative of the word morbid)? It's always seemed glorious to me provided it's mine and not someone else's.

Times like this I have to tell myself it's just a movie, it's not real... I hate it when arts evoke things that have been stewing on the back burner for a long time. They normally are charred black from simmering too long.

GEOFF

Why is the big picture so simple?

Ecclesiastes is either the most depressing book of the bible or the most encouraging. I still can't decide which and so take that into account if you want to read into the present state of my demeanor. I think there's a duality of hope and hopelessness to the whole book actually.

take chapter 3 for example... on the plus side there are times in life that one is to be born, plant, heal, build, laugh, dance, embrace, search, and love. there are also times when men die, uproot, kill, tear down, weep, mourn, refrain from embracing, give up searching, tear apart, and hate. All these are not place neatly in a little denim planner with a kitten on the front. several of them may occur without warning at any given time and can swing from one to the other gradually or in an instant. what would such a chapter call for us to do? preceding the list is an almost proverbial preface: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." Admitting that there is a time for everything is accepting your present state and time to be... natural. Even amidst chaos and swinging around one does not have need for alarm because... well... stuff happens. Good stuff, bad stuff, weird stuff, sad stuff... it happens. What good is it to pass judgments on others or yourself. what good is it to wallow in why or how the thing happened. what matters only is what needs to be done because it has happened. During hard times this can be taken as a kindness indeed.

But good times?

"I know there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That they may eat and drink and find satisfaction in all his toil - this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it."

Interesting. If it's time to laugh, time to embrace, time to dance, time to love... the God help you do so completely and fully. You take that time and use it for all it's worth... see not only the tiresome duties that God gives but the duty to enjoy and revel in being alive and the new life given you. Conversely when times are hard there ain't a single thing you can do but your duty and so you leave it be at that. Do what God asks of you and leave the rest up to him cause worrying isn't going to add a scrap more or less to what He's got on your plate presently and it never will. You don't have to laugh about it but don't add more stress to the weeping than needbe.

quick review: Stuff Happens, Live in it... don't worry about what's coming next beyond God's calling.

so then we get to around chapter four after a speck more ranting about the meaninglessness of breath:

"Again I saw something meaningless under the sun: There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. there was no end to his toil yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. 'For whom am I toiling' he asked, 'and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?' this too is meaningless - a miserable business!
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?"

and that's the other thing... the only other thing that matters besides obeying and seving God is... sharing it?

so simple you almost think it's spam. wait that's what life on earth is really about?

well all the commandments are summed up with "Love the lord with all your heart, soul, and mind and love your neighbor as yourself". Mandates of between us and God and us and other peeps.

I remember that story about the preacher who skipped church to play golf and shot a hole in one. except now he couldn't tell anybody about it because he would appear a bad preacher. His accomplishment was meaningless if he couldn't tell anybody.

these past months have been all over the "time for everything" spectrum for me. I turned in 50 job applications in one day... got turned down for all of them and still went out the next day to look for work. I worked three jobs at once for a bit... I worked hard long hours... I worked overnight shifts on holidays... I made money too (though not enough yet)... I started teaching myself violin... I've written over 20 new songs much better than my previous work... I've edited and composited over 20 different videos for my church and taught 8 teens how to write, shoot, produce, edit, and critique videos of their own (on a basic level). I've fleshed out two new script ideas and am well into writing drafts of both of them...

and I've accomplished nothing. Not a scrap of the above is going to mean a thing to me down the line because it was just me. me by myself doing stuff and sharing it with no one. I came back wanting to leave again so bad I didn't think about including other people into my life because I had "things to do". I let a summer go by and now everyone's back at school again here there and everywhere and I've missed the time I had with them... because I was too busy looking ahead at how to fix everything I was worried about... worried being key word. I rarely recognize my worry because it looks like mobilization to myself and everyone else. I get all driven towards a goal that I don't live in the moment I'm at. But in reality I keep trying to leap to a finish line instead of putting one foot in front of the other and stride by stride running the race itself from a to b.

indeed the big picture is simple...
Do what God asks of you and live your life with and amongst your fellow men. Nothing else means anything.

how can stepping so far back make every detail that much clearer?

GEOFF

resistance is futile

the more I've resisted the further I've been sucked into using music in my filmmaking/storytelling. music is a personal thing to me. some things can only be explained or understood with a melody underneath them and I've dealt with so much that I have had to explain to myself.

Music can make sense of death, love, hate, frustration, fear, loneliness, and friendship among other things. After the song's over you can't really use words to explain what it means in regular terms you just have to let those who have ears... hear what you sang. and as it's so personal... I don't really want to use it as my livelihood. I don't want a million people to see it. Not because I'm afraid it won't sell or that people won't like it... people will like it and it will sell if I market it right. It's because people will see the real me... unaltered and undiluted... the raw and gritty Geoff set loose to a tune. Not the happy fun joker bouncing from person to person smiling and laughing... more like the other joker... the one with the scars.

Well I've been listening to more musicals than I can possibly name. It's my recent obsession (I'm hoping it'll tithe me over until the new anberlin album comes out... September 30th!!) My listening habits go like that... I'll hear some genre I love and then I'll beat it to a pulp listening to it every chance I get and then try to emulate it even in my own recordings. the problem with Broadway's genre is that the fantastic musicals vary greatly in style but the not so great ones only mimic the greats... simultaneously everything is fresh and redundant. bizarre.

so now that I've been eating up Sweeney Todd, Jekyll and Hyde, Avenue Q, 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, The Drowsy Chaperone, Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, Oliver, and yes even Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog.... I've decided I might just try my hand, ear, and pen at such a thing. writing a musical that is... not being in one. Though maybe... if I write one that involves a singing tree... I'll be in it too.

todays bouquet is made of Zinnia: thoughts of missing old friends.

wow that bouquet thing sounded kinda queer but I just like the meanings behind flowers that's all. It's a cool literary device of saying something without saying anything... think beauty and the beast. the rose wilts and what does that mean. love is dead.. it comes back to life and we all go Yay!! love isn't dead anymore!! people should be cultured that other flowers besides roses can mean something, irises, carnations, daffodils, they all have deep and profound meanings. Before I learned that I thought they were just plants.

GEOFF

breaktime